A Lifetime of Talking and Never Really Saying Anything

My Apology

Not sure why these posts usually turn into an exercise in self-loathing over how silly I spent some part of the first 40 years of my life, but they continue to do so. Spoiler alert: this one is more of the same.

I have somewhat of an apology to make. I need to apologize to the folks that I spent the first fourteen years of my career with at Nielsen. Those folks that I sat through class with in business school, I probably owe you one too. Why do you say? It’s pretty simple. I’m sorry for not being precise in my speech.

I’m sorry for torturing you in all those Monday meetings when I’d walk into meetings underprepared for difficult conversations and would just wing it and talk for an hour and never really say anything of value. I’m sorry for answering legitimate questions with half-baked corporate jargon instead of being real with you. Most of all out of those years at Nielsen, I’m sorry about tiptoeing through the trials and tribulations of the Great Recession in 2009 when I was telling everyone in those meetings that things would be fine and nobody would get laid off, when  in reality I knew they wouldn’t.

That’s the part when you go, how neat, John is having a come to Jesus about towing the line as a corporate guy. Hold up for a bit. That’s not the end of it.

I’m also sorry for not telling friends that were drinking way too much that they should probably slow down on drinking instead of whatever stupid thing I said at the time. I’m sorry for telling people that I cared about who were making abysmal choices something that was utterly pointless instead of telling them exactly what needed to be said, regardless of how it would have impacted our relationship at the time.

I’m sorry that in those nine months between when I got a divorce from my son’s mother and the day the woman that raised me died, that I didn’t tell my Grandmother how lost I was during that time and how much I needed her with me as much as possible instead of glossing over everything trying to keep up an image or everything being fine.. Not doing so cost me a lot, but the regret I’ll feel for not being real with her during that time will last me a lifetime. 

A lot going on there, but the bottom line is that I’m sorry for bullshitting…

Being Precise with Your Speech

Where is this coming from? In expanding on Jordan Peterson’s amazing book 12 Rules for life, Chapter 10 is appropriately titled “Be Precise With Your Speech.” The entire chapter is about how we as people walk through most of our life tiptoeing around real issues, both in ourselves and with others, without really ever getting the point, and doing so on purpose.

There is a real tendency in a lot of us to avoid speaking to issues. To bury our head in the sand rather than to face the genuine anxiety, sadness, and fear of our problems. It’s so much easier than to pretend that problems don’t exist than to meet them head-on. It’s similar to that syndrome you feel when you go to check the mail, and you know your tax bill is coming. Maybe if you don’t check the mail today, it won’t happen.

Maybe you hate going into work every day. Perhaps it’s the way your spouse snores. Maybe it’s the overwhelming sense of dread you feel every morning getting out of bed, and you don’t even know what really causes it, so you just brush it aside as a part of normal life that everyone experiences. It’s just easier that way.

Here’s the deal with this chapter and what Peterson is speaking to. Just like in Chapter 6. Keep Your House in Perfect Order, that dealt with the hate and resentment that can fill you up when you focus on judging the world for its shortcomings, not being precise in how you communicate with those around you about difficult issues will lead to failure, chaos, and regret, often that you didn’t act sooner.

The most simple of examples is the dreaded twenty-pound weight gain that most of us go through at one point or another. Telling yourself, or even others telling you, that you’re just going through a phase, or your schedule is tight right now, or that your metabolism is slowing down,  or god forbid, nothing at all is wrong, is not being precise with speech. Well, I guess those things may be in some way, but most of the time, you need to tell yourself to cease knocking down pints of BlueBell before bed, or drinking beer every weekend, and start working out if you really want to get to the root cause. That’s the very definition of not being precise with our speech.

That feeling we feel while we’re in the cycle of avoiding speaking to the real problem often feels internally like chaos. We don’t want to admit it, but most of the time that’s what it is. It’s the feeling you sense when you’re gaining weight. You think it’s sadness when you have to go up a belt size or your jeans don’t fit, but that’s not it at all. That reaction you are experiencing is anxiety because you feel as though you are out of control. It’s the feeling of chaos present in your life. You have lost control, and you know that you aren’t speaking directly to the issue. You’re not calling out the real problem.

Speaking specifically to a real issue will bring clarity to your life. It’s the reason why Alcoholics Anonymous makes you say Hello, my name is __, and I’m an alcoholic. Speaking with that type of clarity helps you define the issue and turns chaos into something you can deal with, something you can fix.

If you had cancer in your body wouldn’t you want to find out as quickly as possible? Wouldn’t you want to know exactly where it is and what it was so you could try your best to get healed? Why wouldn’t you want to deal with every other issue in your life in the same way? What happens when you bury your head in the sand and ignore the sickness? That’s the critical point of Being Precise with Your Speech.

What do you want, exactly?

This concept of being precise with your speech is not just about speaking about what is wrong. It applies across the board in everything you do. Work, marriage, progression through life. You cannot move forward without direction. Random wandering doesn’t set a positive trajectory for anyone. Be precise in every way. What is wrong, exactly? What do you want, exactly? Why, exactly?

Fight through the fear of the sharp pain often associated with being specific in your speech and the internal and external conflict that often comes with it. The momentary, immediate pain of doing so is most often just a small price to pay compared to the long-term ache of a neglecting to do so.